Dear Mother,

Were you a girl they sent away? Were you scared?
Did you love him? Did he know? Was he with you? Do you ever see him now?
Did you see me? Did you hold me? Did you love me?
Does my hair come from you? My height? Am I really Italian? Who was musical? Did you really name me Elizabeth?
Are you happy? Have you recovered from what happened to us? Do you have other children? Do they know about me?
Do you hate my birthday as much as I do?

I read a book about what birth mothers went through back in the 60s and it broke my heart to think of you, all alone and scared. And then it broke my heart to think of me the same way. I can imagine my baby self alone in a nursery, no one excited that I am in the world, no one there to coo at me and marvel when I opened my eyes. I have lived my life this way, I think. Waiting for someone. Waiting for love. No baby should ever have to wait for that. I don’t blame you…it’s just the life we were given.

I’m sad and scared often. But I am ok. My family has had their challenges, like every family does, but I have been given love and security and I have been blessed. I hope, oh how I hope, that you have been, too.

I’m sorry that I am too afraid to search for you. I have thought many times about it but I am too frightened. You might be gone. You might not want me. You should really come and find me.

I have missed you so very much.

Your daughter, age 45