Dear Moms and Dads With Empty Arms, 

I was a Labor and Delivery nurse, who also worked in the Special Care Nursery for many years, before retiring. And after more than 30 years, it now occurs to me that some things may have been left unsaid when a baby was born dead, or died shortly after birth. I want to say some of those things that Moms and Dads experiencing this terrible loss might not have heard, but maybe needed to know. If you are still grieving, I hope this gives a voice to whatever pain you are still feeling, whatever you needed to hear and understand, and that it helps you heal and find some peace. Miscarriage, fetal demise and early childhood loss are some of the most painful types of loss.

In the unit where I worked, we delivered around 1000 babies a year and sadly, not all survived. Those were the difficult days, but those were the days that gave a different meaning to my work. Those tiny preemies–babies with serious birth defects, those that were choked by an umbilical cord wound tightly around the neck, too tight to allow brain development, those with deformities not compatible with a longer life, or those too early to survive, and so many more things that may or may not have been anticipated–were given respect, warmth, sometimes holding, talking or singing to them and even prayer.

Frequently, it was my job to stay with the babies because of my many years in the NICU before transferring to Labor & Delivery. It was a mixed blessing. I felt honored to represent the parents, to hold or cuddle the baby, to keep accurate notes, to do what would be important to me under those circumstances. They look so fragile, one can actually see the tiny blood vessels in the skin, the soft spot on the head as it pulsates, the labored breathing, and occasional little twitches. Sometimes they are perfectly formed, but just way too tiny and at other times they are larger, but have some serious problems such as immature lungs or incomplete brain development. There are many reasons for still birth or early demise: from too premature, a knot in the cord, a fibroid tumor on the uterus where the placenta might attach to genetic problems such as downs syndrome, or the trisomes.

Knowing why doesn’t change things, yet most people want to know what happened and if they can prevent it from happening again. And almost all feel guilty, questioning every little twitch, stumble, even wondering if having intercourse during pregnancy could have caused it. Of course we talk to them and try to reassure them that they didn’t cause this tragedy, but acceptance sometimes takes years. And many couples end up divorced some years later or sooner, which then gives them more pain and guilt.

What I want to tell you - parents and siblings and grandparents of the little angels that didn’t make it - is that we cared, we even loved, we tried to make them feel comfortable, warm, safe and cherished for whatever little time they had on this earth. We also wanted to help the moms and dads when we could, when they let us, but what they really wanted was their baby, and we couldn’t give them that. I truly hope that knowing your baby was cared for gently and lovingly, and even loved by the nurses, helps if only just a little. And when a tiny, suffering baby took his or her last breath we cried, too.

Although this letter is addressed to the moms and dads, I know the grandparents and siblings and even aunts, uncles, and cousins experience great sadness at the loss of a newborn or miscarriage , and might benefit from knowing their baby was not alone at the time of death. As our methods of caring for the parents and babies changed over the years, many were able to be with and even take their last breaths in the arms of a mom or dad, or grandparent or aunt. 

I wish you love, acceptance and finally healing.

Sincerely,
LMG, age 65