Cyrus,

“It’s not you, it’s me”, possibly the most clichéd line in history, but it was me. I’m sorry I ended everything. Nothing was wrong. I remember the last time I saw you thinking to myself, “This is amazing, I love him.” I remember telling myself not to forget that moment, because I’d been missing you and I didn’t know if we were right anymore. I’m sorry I pushed you away. I warned you I would. It’s just the way I work; when I’m moving, I push people away until they don’t care for me anymore, that way it doesn’t hurt so much.

But you ignored my pushing. It upset you sometimes, I know, and I’m sorry for that too. I started pushing you away before I even left. I’m so sorry. And then I pushed you away completely. That was a time where I hadn’t seen you in weeks. Missing you was like having my heart clamped. It ate at me inside, but speaking to you and seeing you just fixed me instantly. So why didn’t I wait? I would’ve seen you that next week. Why didn’t I wait? Things could have been so different. But that’s just me, I guess. 

You were my best friend. I knew you for what, a month before I felt that way? I don’t even feel that close with friends I’ve known for years. I felt like I could tell you everything, but I didn’t. I told you in my head, but somehow the words just wouldn’t leave my lips. It was okay, though, because you said it . You used the exact same words sometimes, too. Now and again I wondered if you could see straight into my mind. I loved you on sight. I never believed in that. You were all I thought about after that first conversation, and I know you felt like that, too. 

I looked such a mess that day! Soaking wet, covered in mud and pond weed, no make up, frizzy hair all over, in a wet suit and an over-sized hoodie. I was like that so often with you, and you still loved me. It was always a genuine thing we had. It took us so long before we even held hands. You were so nervous, and so was I. I had never had a relationship where I cared so much about the other person. We took things so slowly but my god, it was worth it. Our first kiss literally took my breath away. I didn’t know people could feel like that. It was like the whole world just disappeared.

Away from you, I felt like part of me was missing. But I thought I didn’t need you, fiercely independent as I am, I could do everything by myself. I was wrong. I did need you. I do need you. It’s been months, and I feel the same as I did that first night when I lost you completely. I cried myself to sleep and spent the evenings curled on a bench, just hiding from myself. I never cry. It broke me.

You won’t speak to me now. I can’t say I blame you. You are amazing. You don’t need me. I guess I will heal, and I’ll move on. But friendship is harder to find than love, and we had both. That won’t happen to me again.

I love you, and I’m sorry.
Jess, age 16