Dear Mom, 

It’s really true how you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.  In my mind, it’s like your still here.  I have to fight the urge to call you up from school to tell you how I’ve been or when something awesome is happening.  I always want to turn to you for advice and support when I do something that I know Dad wouldn’t be happy with.  It’s scary not knowing that I can no longer always count on you to help me figure things out. 

I had a dream about you for the first time in nine months since you’ve been gone.  I’ve had one every single week since that dream.  I have flashbacks all the time to the months before you died.  The only things I can ever seem to remember are the bad things.  The time with the hash browns, when you were trying to buy me music but your credit card got declined, and when you couldn’t walk or make sentences. The time you wanted to order food and everybody kept trying to do it for you, and that time you were talking to dad about what you wanted to get us for our birthdays.  

Christmas is coming up, and I can’t help but think of last Christmas.  It was perfect.  We were so happy.  Who knew that a month later, you would be gone?  I’m sorry I didn’t say I love you enough.  I’m sorry that I was embarrassed by you.  I’m sorry for every time that I tried to push you away.  I wish I had been home more. People aren’t supposed to have “regrets”.  I’m not saying that I regret anything, but I would give the entire universe to spend one more day with you so I could tell you all of this.

You were such a good Mom.  I miss you more than anything I’ve ever missed.  I hope you aren’t upset with me for running away from Dad’s or how I will be transferring schools next semester.  Since you died, I have felt more lost than ever.  I try so hard to hide it, too.  I act like I know exactly what I am doing, even when I feel like the entire everything is about to squash me.  You were always so proud of me.  Are you proud of me now?  When I laugh, I look like you. 

Love a million moon pies,
Sarah Jane, age 18