Dear Dad,

I treasure those many days I spent with you at the hospital. I did not know it then, but they were like little gifts from god. I now see how blessed I was. I would give my right arm today just to have one of those days back.

I’m not sure why, but I have so many things that remain in my mind that I wish I did, or didn’t do; things I wish I said and especially things I wish I didn’t say.

I should have told you the truth from the very first day we knew. I should have told you that you were going to die, and die soon. Perhaps your last days on this earth would have been different. Maybe instead of spending every day wishing and hoping that the doctors would be able to cure you, perhaps you would have gotten your emotional and spiritual affairs in order, and perhaps leaving us all behind would have been easier for you to bear on your way to the light.

I’m sorry I did not tell you the truth. I thought I was protecting you, but at the same time I was honoring Mom’s wishes not to tell you. She always said, and still says, that you did not want to know, and that we were honoring you by not telling you. Was she right? Sometimes I think that she knew you better than I, so she must have been right. On the other hand, I’m so angry with her for not telling you for her own reasons. I will work, however, on forgiving her, because I know that is what you would want.

I miss you more than my words can express. I am very grateful for having you in my life as long as I did. You inspire me to be a better person every day. I love you!

Your loving daughter,
Judi, age 47