Dear Jacob,

It has been four months since you left us to walk among the angels. I have so much I want to say, yet don’t know what to say. I know how much I miss you every moment of every day. That week you and Jimmie were in the ICU, I thought that was the hardest week that I had ever had. The doctors were not giving you very much chance of surviving the accident, but you showed them how strong and brave you were by fighting as hard as you did to stay with us. I now know that the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life was tell my brave 17 year old young man that it was okay to go to sleep and rest. You were tired and needed to get some rest. You were surrounded by all of your friends and family and we were just holding onto you and remembering what wonderful person you are. When you were no longer breathing the same air we were, my heart just stopped. I did not know what to do or say. I couldn’t even go see Jimmie in the room across from you. I didn’t know how he was doing either, because I couldn’t hear anything except you calling to me and saying, “I love you Mommy”.

I know these are words you did not speak out loud to me very often, but I know you loved us even when we disagreed about things. School, your hair, your friends. You showed your love in so many ways in your actions and the little caring things you did even when you didn’t really want to. It’s part of who you are.

Kiddo, I could write for hours and never say the same thing. I only hope that you did not hurt from your burns all of the time. I know that you are completely healed and with God and all of your grandmothers now. I have this image of you racing around in a little red sports car, probably a mustang, with your grandmothers as passengers. I can just see the looks on their faces as you try to scare them. You don’t need to play jokes on people all the time, even though I know you are such a kidder.

I remember your funeral when your entire high school class rode the school bus 100 miles to say their goodbyes to you. There was standing room only. You may have pretended to not like school, but I do think you liked the people there anyway. After talking to some of your friends and teachers, I got to know you so much better. I know it’s not cool to show a lot of your feelings to your mom, but I am grateful for the short time that we did have with you. You got to live a whole lot in your short life. Good times and hard times, but we always made it through. You were sick so much with a lot of things throughout your short life, but it made you so much stronger than just about anyone I know.

Thank you for the privilege of being your mother and thank you for all of the lessons you have taught me. I miss you so much and love you so much. Jimmie does too. He is finally home after four months in the hospital. We talk about you all the time.

We love you so much and can’t wait to see you again someday. Please keep a spot for us so that we will be together again.

Love,
Your Mommy, age 43