Dear Auntie,

Just recently the anniversary of your passing came and went. I tell myself every year that it’ll get easier, but the truth is that it never feels any easier. I miss you more than any letter could ever begin to describe. You were the mom I needed when mine wasn’t there, you were the voice of reason when the world got crazy. You were always so willing to tell it how it is and I respect you so much for that. I never got to tell you how much you mean to me and how grateful I am for all the memories that you gave me. It is because of you that I am the person that I am today.

Love you,
Sam, age 24

Dear Tom,

I went to your funeral yesterday. I cannot begin to describe what a shock it was to get the phone call this week telling me that you ended your life. You made a tremendous recovery from your recent heart attacks, started volunteering in the community, and had even taken up a new hobby–writing. Everything looked like you planned to be around for as long as possible.

We met in college. I was a traditional-aged student and you were in your late forties. We hit it off very quickly. You never had a child and I was struggling with my relationship with my father, so we “adopted” each other as honorary father and son. Without your support and encouragement I likely wouldn’t have graduated from college. I am now a college professor. A great deal of my success is thanks to your support and the example you showed by returning to school to finish the degree you had started decades earlier. You wouldn’t let go of the dream of completing your education.

You had a much worse relationship with your father than I did. Your father beat and abused your entire family before dying when he was in his thirties and you were a teenager. In all the years since his death you were haunted by the abuse you endured. You spoke about it regularly and had trouble letting go and living in the present. This seriously impacted many of your relationships for the rest of your life. Your divorce a few years ago was largely a result of your struggle to be fully present in the here-and-now. Your wife just couldn’t listen to the old stories from your childhood any more. You were both good people, but she couldn’t continue living in the shadow of the abuse you endured from a man who had been dead for more than 50 years.

The writing you took up recently focused primarily on telling stories of your troubled childhood. You wanted everyone to read them while you watched. This was awkward, because no one knew how to react while reading graphic details of unimaginable child abuse, as well as the details of your divorce. You wrote exhaustively, had a few public readings, and hoped to be published one day. You were proud of your new pastime. I was pleased that you found a new creative outlet, but was concerned about your fixation on the past. We had talked about that for years. We couldn’t agree about whether or not this fixation was purging, as you insisted, or ruminating, as I suggested. You shared your writing with your therapist, but I don’t know what she thought about it. Many of us who loved you tried to encourage you to enjoy your retirement and to focus on your life now.

Although you suffered with depression throughout your life, you had a great sense of humor, an infectious laugh, and the “gift of gab”. When you were around and living in the present, you were the life of the party. You were the party. You were also a kind and giving man. In your retirement you did volunteer work to help residents of the local nursing home, as well as hospice patients and their families. You even won the Volunteer of the Year award at the nursing home you loved to visit. But your father’s ghost always eventually caught up with you, and this week he got the better of you.

I have such conflicting emotions about what you did. I am relieved that you are no longer in pain, but am hurt that you did not let anyone know how bad the pain was toward the end so we could help, or at least have the opportunity to say goodbye. I am angry with your father for treating you the way he did, and I am angry with you for allowing his abuse to consume the rest of your life like a cancer.

I am grateful for my time with you and the lessons you taught me. You taught me how to be resilient. You taught me to work hard in school–we always competed for the top score on tests we took in the classes we had together. You taught me to believe in myself and to not let anyone stop me from achieving my dreams. Without your knowing it, you also taught me to choose carefully what I hold on to from the past. It is good to hold onto some things, but dangerous to hold onto others. You held onto your dream to graduate college and you did it, earning your degree with honors at the age of 50. But holding onto your difficult childhood led to suicide. Now I am learning from you to let go. I am learning to let go of grudges from the past so I can be happy today. But I am also learning that I have to let go of you. That too makes me angry. But I’ve learned that I will have to let go of the anger and hold onto the lessons and good memories if I want to be happy. Good bye, Tom. I love you. 

Your Honorary Son, age 44

Dear Richi,

Hey my #1 poker babe. How’s it going for you up there? Things for us down here haven’t been so great. Richi, if you are reading this, I just want to say that I’m so sorry. I didn’t really understand what you were going through. I should have been more supportive and caring. If I was ever the cause or if I added on to your grief, I’m so very sorry.

Richi, I wasn’t mad at you when I accused you of calling me out. I knew it wasn’t meant for me but I chose to blow it out of proportion only cuz I wanted attention. I’m sorry I stopped answering your calls and text messages. I’m sorry I cut you out of my life all together over something so childish. I wish I could turn back the hands in time and answer your phone call on Thanksgiving day. 

Everyone tells me that there is nothing I could have done to make you not pull the trigger on yourself but I know I could have said something to stop you from doing it. I know that because only me and you knew what we shared between us. Only we understood each other like no one else ever could. I know that’s is why you called me that night but I didn’t answer and I’m so sorry. Richi, I would have told you how much you really meant to me to us. How much we really cared and love you. How much your family and your daughter needs you. I talked to her the other day she really needs you, babe. We miss u so much, Richi.

FOREVER IN MY THOUGHTS,
RICHI’S GIRL, age 29

Dad,

I was only four years old when you passed but it’s taken me these 15 years to truly realize the extent of my heartache and pain. I miss you everyday and as I grow and become my own person, there’s nothing I want more than to tell you about my friends, my accomplishments, my dreams, my everything. I wish I could’ve gotten to know you over my life time and been able to see you through more than a just child’s heart and eyes. But, the memories I have of you are my most treasured and I will always see you as the best dad I could have ever hoped for. Lately, I’ve been looking for a sign, any kind of sign, to know you’re proud of me, to know you still watch over me. There’s nothing I want more. I truly hope to see you, hug you, and talk to you again one day.

I love you forever.

Sarah, 19

Miss J, 

I have been looking for you for years. You gave me the opportunity to strive to be the talented person I am today. I know we didn’t end on good terms, but I always wanted to say thank you for teaching me to be a great musician. You gave me an outlet to express myself because it’s hard for me to open myself up to people. My life and passion is music, and if it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t be the person I am today.

When people give me compliments, I always think about you and how grateful I am to have had you for a teacher. I’m soo sorry for the things I put you through as being a young, restless trouble-making kid. I always had such great love and respect for you but I was just too dumb to realize what I had. Now you’re gone and I can’t tell you how much I owe you. I am forever indebted to you. I hope I get the privilege to speak to you again. Until then, Thanks Miss J. 

Chris, age 30

Tristan,

Mommy loves and misses you so much. It has been 10 years, almost to the day, since you passed away and not a day goes by that I do not think about you. Your daddy, brother, and sisters think about you all the time, too. I don’t understand why you had to go through all of the pain and sickness that you endured at such a young age. I think back and wonder if there was anything I could have done to stop you from being born so early. I wish I could hold you one more time and tell you how much I love you. Our lives will never be the same without you. I want you to know that even though you were only here for six and a half months, you changed our lives forever. I have found a way to focus some of my sadness and use it to help others. I am going to school to become a grief counselor. Every person that I help will be helped because of you. You will be in my heart forever. 

Love Always,
Mommy, age 29

My first love K.,

Lately, I have been thinking if I should write this and publish it here, and I decided to do it. I’ve become attached to this site. And maybe someday you will read this.

I have so many words left to say I that could not tell when we met the last time. I always felt more comfortable to write you than to tell you something serious in person, and that’s how the first time I expressed my feelings towards you long ago. It was a night of a victory to me when you replied that you felt something towards me as well. And then the second victory was our first kiss, I still remember it, and I went back home as the happiest teenage girl on earth! Gosh! You really made me happy. Thank you. :) Sometimes I wish I can go back to that night. Trust me, I wouldn’t change a thing about it! But I’m not a teenage girl anymore and victories changed into a lost battle when we had our last kiss in the airport in that country where I made my last move to get closer to you but it didn’t work. It simply broke me into pieces.

Deep down I wished you ran back to me and told me that we can try, at least we could try to make a chance for our story, to make a chance for us, but you just turned your back and left and I was staring at you leaving. That moment, I knew we will never be what we were again, and that I might not see you again. I’ve been in love only with you for three years, you were my first and my last option, and you were always there somewhere in my soul so I could not see anybody else except you. You were my world… Or that’s what I thought. 

Fifteen days ago when we met again has completely changed me into another girl. I was living in the illusion and got lost in the fantasy that one day you’re going to run back to me and tell me you’re sorry for what you did and that you love me and I’m enough for you and you’re never going to disappear, ever again. It’s all funny when I look back now. Tomorrow is my birthday and you woke up a new girl in me. I’ll start my 22 with a different feeling. Finally, I’ll breathe in a different way. The pain I was holding for so long was so great that it destroyed me. I don’t think I could ever get hurt like that again; I locked that sensitive and emotional side of me away. To be honest, I don’t know if I’ll be able to feel deeply again. Only if I’m lucky enough, then someday I’ll meet that special man who will bring it back, and to whom I’ll be good enough. Till then, I’ll enjoy being with others only for my own benefit. 

I gave you more than enough chances to make things right and you didn’t. I opened myself up to get cut wide open. I finally moved on and I’m happy, nothing holds me back to you anymore. It’s sad, but I can’t lie. That’s something I never thought I’d say. I never pushed you away; it’s your own doing, and I’m not writing this out of anger, no. I’m writing this because I know that no girl will ever amount to what I was for you. No girl will ever feel for you the way I did. Maybe the same will go for me. There’s never going to be another guy that is just like you.

Darling, If we’re meant to be, we’ll find each other again one day and maybe, maybe I’ll fall madly in love with you again, just like before, and If not; then I really hope you find happiness in the decisions you made, because God knows I would never have chosen this for us. But I also can’t fix what you created, and I don’t want to anymore.

I hope you’re living your life the way you hoped to.

Sincerely,
N., age 21

Dear Bryan,

I saw you every now and then in high school and I had some classes with your sister. Two years ago, I heard you were diagnosed with cancer. I felt bad…Why does that have to happen to someone so young? I didn’t want to try to be friends with you just because you had cancer (now I wish I would have been a friend because you could have taught me so much). I watched as the whole school came together to support you. Everyone was your friend. I couldn’t figure out why you had such a large fan club–I figured it was just everyone pretending to be your friend. I realize now that I was completely wrong.

The Facebook page that was made for you made me realize that you were a great person. You fought this cancer with a constant smile on your face. Nothing was going to bring you down. Because of this, you had support from everyone around you–no one wanted to see that smile leave your face.

October 11, 2013 you died. The cancer finally took you, but it did not beat you. Even until that last moment, you were still full of hope. You didn’t let your cancer define you. You died just days before your golden birthday…you only had to fight another 6 days. I realize now that you let go so that you didn’t have to suffer on your birthday…you gave yourself the best present you possibly could have. 

Everyone is sad that you are gone, but at the same time, everyone is happy that you no longer have to suffer. You didn’t deserve the pain you went through. You are a great role model for everyone. You showed me that I shouldn’t sweat the small things. Life isn’t about what obstacles you have to face; it’s about how you face them. I wish so much that we could have been friends, but I realize that if you had not had cancer, I would have never known you. I would not have learned from you as I have now. I really hope you are resting peacefully, Bryan. You are missed by all. You have touched an entire community. 

Forever Touched,
Your Fellow Classmate, age 20

Ma,

The night I received the call that you had suddenly passed away I felt like I had just lost my best friend. It has been three years since you have been gone but sometimes it feels like you are still living overseas and we are waiting for you to visit your family here in the states. I never got the chance to tell you that you were one of the most wonderful women I feel blessed to have had a good relationship with. You were smart, kind, funny, and very generous with your time and love, traits I see in you grandsons.

When I married your son 21 years ago you welcomed me with open arms into the family with no questions asked. You made me feel relaxed and comfortable right from the start, thank you for that! I will always cherish the times we would spend hours talking on the phone, mostly about nothing. Thank you for all the advice, love and support you gave unselfishly throughout the years you were here with us. We miss seeing and talking with you but we know that heaven has gained a beautiful angel, who will never be forgotten!

Love,
Your daughter-in-law
Diana, age 40

Dear M,

It has been fun while it lasted. Our college days are nearing it’s end and I cant stop thinking of how life would be so much different without seeing you everyday like I used to. When we are together, the feeling is incomparable. It feels like I am invincible, like time is at the palm of my hand, time just stops when I am with you. When I’m with you, I feel so secure, so comfortable, so carefree. You are the closest to home that I’ll ever be.

Thank you for being with me during our college days. Thank you for saying that I am not as weird as I thought I was; for silently saying that I don’t have to go through this alone. If it weren’t for you, I would probably be walking on my own, probably drink til the lights went out, or just feel depressed or uninspired. THANK YOU for staying with me. I wish you knew how much I treasured this friendship of ours. 

I miss you but I don’t want you to miss me back because I don’t want you to feel the same heartache that I am feeling right now. I hope that I could see you soon enough so that we could go back on laughing at the small petty things because honestly, all that I am after is a life full of laughter as long as I am laughing with you. :-)

Sincerely yours,
N., age 20